Found myself unable to retrieve my laundry from the basementOscillated between the poles of self-beratement and forgivenessThe words appear in any order and I read them: why I am wasting my lifeViewed a lot of pictures posted on Humans of Late CapitalismViewed a trove of productsAdded to my cart a single pink stainConsidered the optimal time to cancel PrimeConcluded the time wasn't nowConsidered curtailing my presenceGathered evidence by examining my presenceScrolled until I felt my body rise in temperatureTried to get a racist fired but was unableReturned to reading The IdiotContinued reading The Idiot, though my laundry was occupying public spaceTexted where are you to anyoneWished I had a life where I readBut I am readingRecalled the mannequin's nipples, protruding up out the braDecided to masturbate but mandated a waiting periodNoting I had been reading about various cases of rapeBegan masturbating but thought about what she'd said about the flowersThat they were beautiful despite being dryWas our love also dry? And was it also still beautiful?Ceased masturbating to considerApplied to a job in KurdistanConsidered whether I wanted the job or wanted to want itConsidered the difference between these; its shape, dimension, textureSearched for images of reverse sandwiches throughout duration of this considerationRead about Avicii's last daysRead about the Golden State Killer's identityConsidered the ethics of using ancestry data to identify criminalsConcluded I needed more time for opinion-formationListened to my most-listened-to songs of the past year compiled by an algorithmConsidered how others' outfits altered my opinion of themConsidered what I could supplement my regular masturbation routine withRejected all optionsDeveloped a desire for books to include images of each characterImmediately unwished thisMasturbated with the non-routine handBegan to sweat and considered this a positive supplement to pleasureRecalled the time I masturbated wildly in my first adult apartmentIts new wood floors, and me on them, at last, free of my roommatesI incorporated this picture as evidence of my desirabilityBack then, I still believed everything was adding up to somethingPlaced a leather choker doubled on itself between my teethWrithed around my prized pile carpet until I started crying docile tearsImagined myself as a cartoon and crying sharp white diamondsFiled this image away to the database of my self-conceptConsidered my dead grandmother, to whom the carpet once belongedConsidered my child-self propped up on elbows upon this very carpetConsidered the story my grandma told of a Mohamed sent to steal this carpet from herFelt a slick of sweat arise beneath each breast but left my heavy sweatshirt onConsidered the role of memory and agony in pleasureTold myself that I deserved to be in hot discomfortAsked myself why I was cryingWell, I was missing someone. I was missing my self, too